Urgent donations of coca-cola for orphaned children are being urged by television personality, Clare Buyme-Book, in order to alleviate suffering and disasters by the world's children. Clare, who is not a registered midwife and holds no professional qualifications in breastfeeding support, has been holding media events throughout the country, in order to raise awareness of the nutritional need for coca-cola in the world's poorest.
"What most women don't understand " she said, with tears glistening in her eyes, "is that breastmilk is the equivalent to a glass of coca cola. And unlike powdered infant formula, coca-cola doesn't have salmonella or other nasty bacteria. You don't need clean water to feed coca-cola to a starving child.. and it's readily available throughout the planet. The answer is simple. Where there is disaster: feed babies coca-cola."
The view is not uncontroversial. When asked, Coca-cola itself, put the phone down on us and we were scarily contacted by their lawyers within moments. The lawyers have asked us to make clear that "Coca-cola is a soft drink for adults and contains no nutritional benefits and should not replace breastfeeding." Which we have done. Let's say that again "Coca-cola is a soft drink for adults and should not replace breastfeeding." When asked if this controversy had been good for their publicity, an off the record comment from a senior Coca-cola executive was not printable due to obscenity laws.
Clare dismisses concerns. "Starving orphans need all the sugar and hydration they can get. If the water is contaminated, and they are going to die anyway, surely better to feed them coca-cola anyway? It's not like feeding any baby coca-cola has ever done any harm." When challenged that coca-cola may not be the most reliable source of nutrition for those in emergency, Clare snapped... "For goodness sake, at least the aid workers can have some as it passes through. I'm sure the aid workers need a nice drink to cheer them up as they hand out the cartons of formula and boxes of used shoes. No one thinks twice about asking for donations of formula, at least the coca-cola won't kill any babies." However, when allowed to rant at the microphone for several moments, on the 'breastfeeding mafia' out to ruin her reputation, Ms Buyme-Book softened. A few tears later, she continued...
"The issue is not the coca-cola, really.." she confides "It's the breastmilk. Heaven knows I support breastfeeding, here... have a copy of my book, found at all decent books stores... but honestly, some women just take it too far. They go on about breastmilk as if it's some miracle substance, and quite frankly, I'm fed up of it. Every mother should breastfeed for a few hours if they want to. I'm not against it. But they have to realise the clock is ticking, and when the baby gets older - bam - it's just as good as coca-cola. That's my point, really. At least by seeing coke bottles with rubber teats on them, such mothers soon realise the 'good' they are doing their children."
Ms Buyme-Book then moved on to another car-boot sale to raise more bottles of coke for "Feed the Poor Starving Hungry Babies Of Some Poor Country You've Never Heard Of Until Now"
In other news... Ever Wondered How, With No Registration To Any Professional Health Organisation In The UK & No Breastfeeding Qualifications Of Any Kind... Can I Get Professional Indemnity Insurance For My Celebrity Practice? See next week's programme!
(Above image, copyright Dorothea Lange. Coca-Cola is a trademark to the Coca-cola Company, and reference to them is made for purpose of satire only. ps You get this is a spoof, right? Humour. Joke. Sarcasm. Irony. Satire. No, not satyr, satire. That's a whole different blog...)