When Breastfeeders Attack

Several women had to be treated for shock today, after a rampage of rampant breast feeders attacked a shopping mall. One mother is reported to be in intensive care, after being exposed to a pendulous breast, leaking milk. It's thought she may pull through, even though she wasn't wearing sunglasses.

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The women were shopping and peacefully chatting amongst themselves, when, as one victim described it, "all hades broke lose."

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"It was a nightmare." said Mrs Sweet, 33, of Pennington. My best friend Clara and I were talking about gravy granules, when we heard the shrieking. We looked up, and they were everywhere, ripping off their blouses and thrusting their breasts in our faces. I looked away, but it was too late." Mrs Sweet was treated for fainting, by St Joan's Ambulance staff, who arrived on the scene several moments later. "Clara is one of those in hospital." continued Mrs Sweet bravely "I believe her hearing has been affected by the loud cracks as all the boobs whipped out in formation. They'd obviously been practising."

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"It was carnage," said Mr John Snivel, who was in the first ambulance to arrive. "There were women everywhere, lying and crying in piles. One mother had thrown herself onto her two small children, who were also in the store. Luckily, she knocked them both out before they were exposed to the breastfeeders."

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The manager, who asked not to be identified, spoke of when he first knew they were in trouble. "I'd lived next to a breastfeeder myself, many years ago, so I knew what to look for. Like others, I'd not believed they existed, but strange things started happening in the neighbourhood. First of all the cats started to disappear, then the corn in the fields to the back of us, wilted. Finally, all the pigs in the farm behind us died of flu, and that's when I knew, there was a breastfeeder among us. So when the women arrived in flat shoes and with no make up... I knew. I'd seen those baby slings before... "

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The manager describes what he then did to try and avert the attack. "I ran up with a pile of blankets we keep for just such emergencies, but I was too late. The chief breastfeeder unleashed both her breasts at me, and squirted. I threw myself to the floor, and covered myself in the blankets." He is pale and shaking as he continues... "I'm awaiting the results of the blood tests. But they've given me a 50/50 chance, and that's before we address any post-traumatic shock."

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The attack didn't stop there. "It was just shameful, " said Mrs Sweet "they spotted a young mum with her baby in the formula aisle and circled her. They booed and called and taunted her, waggling their breasts in her face. The baby was crying and screaming, and the young Mum was in tears. We tried to reach her, but no-one could get through the flames as they lit the bonfire and threw the mother into it. I heard them all cackle as she burned. It was vile. They carried the baby off, goodness knows what they're feeding it with now."

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Police reports suggest that no trace of a bonfire could be found at the scene, and no one had been reported missing. "Well, that's how powerful the breastfeeders are, isn't it?" said Mrs R.E Pressed of Mothers Against Gestapo Militant Breastfeeders Who May Or May Not Have Invaded Poland "They are incredibly powerful and an ancient hidden secret society, with long reaching arms and hideous saggy breasts as well. We've warned about such attacks for years, and now finally we will be taken seriously." Mrs Pressed handed over a dossier of files she and other brave woman have been compiling for several decades now, which this newspaper has handed over to the police.

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"Not that it will do you any good, some of the top ranking officials in this country, have breastfeeders in their families. They are everywhere." she warned. "We'll never root them all out. Why do you think there is a global recession?"

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The streets outside the super market were also attacked. "I was just sitting reading my newspaper, waiting for me missus to do a bit of shoppin', when I hear this 'orrible noise." said Mr Ernie Normal "And I looked up, and stone the crows, a bunch of wimmin were flashing their boobs at me. I nearly fell orf the bench. Luckily, I raised up me newspaper and blocked them out. Then, didn't you know it, one of them set fire to it, as I was reading page 3! I wasn't laughing, I can tell you, as I had no protection then, but look at their 'orrible tits. I threw up I did, and was well glad when they moved orf. T'ain't natural, is it?"

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It's thought that the breastfeeders moved off down in the direction of the canal. "Yes" said police spokesman "we can confirm that there are no rats or other vermin at the canal front. It's obvious to us that the breastfeeders ate them all, before moving on into the suburbs. We can't stress how dangerous this group of zealots are, and ask that all decent citizens run screaming if they are approached."

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Sage advice indeed, which came too late for the wife of Mr Stigma of Middlehampton. "Well, I wish the police had been a bit quicker off the mark, that's all I can say. If I'd known about the dangers earlier, I'd never have let my wife attend ante-natal classes. Colleagues had warned me at work, you know, but I didn't believe them. Then, 2 hours after my son was born, my wife... my wife... oh I can't describe it, but my son will never be normal again, will he? I feel so excluded from his life." Mr Stigma is receiving support from Men For Women Having Pert Breasts That Belong To Their Husbands. Understandably, he has reported his wife to child protection services. "But if I'd just known about the breastfeeders beforehand, and how they hang around in packs infiltrating child birth classes, I'd have just made sure my wife never attended any."

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We also talked to the several shopkeepers from other outlets at the mall. "It's no surprise to us." said Mr Profit of Mall Securities Inc. "We've been observing an increase in sightings, for some weeks. First they come in on their own, one to one like, and try and sneak past you. Then, just when you think it's safe, they whip them out and sometimes even put a baby on them, to divert the eye. We've tried to stomp down on this specific site, several times, but they are wily. Just last week, 4 of them went into a coffee shop and swapped one baby around between them, so that every time one of my guards felt brave enough to approach them, the exposed hussy would bang the baby on her breast. It's pointless trying to approach them then, they just scream about their baby being hungry and before you know where you are, we're fighting a law suit. Everything is slanted in their direction - there is no bloody common sense left in this country. Hang 'em all, I say. The trick is to isolate them from the pack and deal with one on their own. But after this incident, we're putting traps down."

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Worryingly, Mr Profit does seem to be right in the rising trend on such activities. "It's terrible," said Mr Loss, of Conglomerate MegaWorld Exploitative Foods "Our shareholder's profits are down. Given the global recession, we just can't afford to let any more breastfeeders go free to infect others. People think it's just the individual that's harmed by their antics, but I can tell you, my wife is going to roast my wotzits if I don't get my gold bonus this year. I promised her two weeks in Dubai at Christmas, and if I don't deliver, I'm toast. I've bought a hunting gun and I can tell you, I'll be hanging stuffed breastfeeder in my study quite soon. Thankfully, some of them hang around in packs at the beach, so I'll be heading off there soon."

We approached a Government minister to make a statement about today's terrible attack, but found no one brave enough to do so. "If you think I'm going to admit breastfeeders exist, never mind require legal control, you're mad." said Anonymous Not A Cabinet Member. "What do you want to happen to my career? I'm not going to end up in Brussels designing election posters, like my predecessor? No way. All I'm going to say is this... as far as the Government is concerned, breastfeeders do not exist. Any suggestion that the Prime Minister's wife is one, will be dealt with by anti-terrorist legislation." For those affected by these issues, there is a helpline on 0800 S-t-e-p-f-o-r-d-p-r-o-z-a-c.

In next week's exclusive, we investigate the link between breastfeeders and alien abduction...