Thursday, 7 May 2009

When Breastfeeders Attack

Several women had to be treated for shock today, after a rampage of rampant breast feeders attacked a shopping mall. One mother is reported to be in intensive care, after being exposed to a pendulous breast, leaking milk. It's thought she may pull through, even though she wasn't wearing sunglasses.
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The women were shopping and peacefully chatting amongst themselves, when, as one victim described it, "all hades broke lose."
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"It was a nightmare." said Mrs Sweet, 33, of Pennington. My best friend Clara and I were talking about gravy granules, when we heard the shrieking. We looked up, and they were everywhere, ripping off their blouses and thrusting their breasts in our faces. I looked away, but it was too late." Mrs Sweet was treated for fainting, by St Joan's Ambulance staff, who arrived on the scene several moments later. "Clara is one of those in hospital." continued Mrs Sweet bravely "I believe her hearing has been affected by the loud cracks as all the boobs whipped out in formation. They'd obviously been practising."
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"It was carnage," said Mr John Snivel, who was in the first ambulance to arrive. "There were women everywhere, lying and crying in piles. One mother had thrown herself onto her two small children, who were also in the store. Luckily, she knocked them both out before they were exposed to the breastfeeders."
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The manager, who asked not to be identified, spoke of when he first knew they were in trouble. "I'd lived next to a breastfeeder myself, many years ago, so I knew what to look for. Like others, I'd not believed they existed, but strange things started happening in the neighbourhood. First of all the cats started to disappear, then the corn in the fields to the back of us, wilted. Finally, all the pigs in the farm behind us died of flu, and that's when I knew, there was a breastfeeder among us. So when the women arrived in flat shoes and with no make up... I knew. I'd seen those baby slings before... "
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The manager describes what he then did to try and avert the attack. "I ran up with a pile of blankets we keep for just such emergencies, but I was too late. The chief breastfeeder unleashed both her breasts at me, and squirted. I threw myself to the floor, and covered myself in the blankets." He is pale and shaking as he continues... "I'm awaiting the results of the blood tests. But they've given me a 50/50 chance, and that's before we address any post-traumatic shock."
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The attack didn't stop there. "It was just shameful, " said Mrs Sweet "they spotted a young mum with her baby in the formula aisle and circled her. They booed and called and taunted her, waggling their breasts in her face. The baby was crying and screaming, and the young Mum was in tears. We tried to reach her, but no-one could get through the flames as they lit the bonfire and threw the mother into it. I heard them all cackle as she burned. It was vile. They carried the baby off, goodness knows what they're feeding it with now."
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Police reports suggest that no trace of a bonfire could be found at the scene, and no one had been reported missing. "Well, that's how powerful the breastfeeders are, isn't it?" said Mrs R.E Pressed of Mothers Against Gestapo Militant Breastfeeders Who May Or May Not Have Invaded Poland "They are incredibly powerful and an ancient hidden secret society, with long reaching arms and hideous saggy breasts as well. We've warned about such attacks for years, and now finally we will be taken seriously." Mrs Pressed handed over a dossier of files she and other brave woman have been compiling for several decades now, which this newspaper has handed over to the police.
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"Not that it will do you any good, some of the top ranking officials in this country, have breastfeeders in their families. They are everywhere." she warned. "We'll never root them all out. Why do you think there is a global recession?"
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The streets outside the super market were also attacked. "I was just sitting reading my newspaper, waiting for me missus to do a bit of shoppin', when I hear this 'orrible noise." said Mr Ernie Normal "And I looked up, and stone the crows, a bunch of wimmin were flashing their boobs at me. I nearly fell orf the bench. Luckily, I raised up me newspaper and blocked them out. Then, didn't you know it, one of them set fire to it, as I was reading page 3! I wasn't laughing, I can tell you, as I had no protection then, but look at their 'orrible tits. I threw up I did, and was well glad when they moved orf. T'ain't natural, is it?"
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It's thought that the breastfeeders moved off down in the direction of the canal. "Yes" said police spokesman "we can confirm that there are no rats or other vermin at the canal front. It's obvious to us that the breastfeeders ate them all, before moving on into the suburbs. We can't stress how dangerous this group of zealots are, and ask that all decent citizens run screaming if they are approached."
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Sage advice indeed, which came too late for the wife of Mr Stigma of Middlehampton. "Well, I wish the police had been a bit quicker off the mark, that's all I can say. If I'd known about the dangers earlier, I'd never have let my wife attend ante-natal classes. Colleagues had warned me at work, you know, but I didn't believe them. Then, 2 hours after my son was born, my wife... my wife... oh I can't describe it, but my son will never be normal again, will he? I feel so excluded from his life." Mr Stigma is receiving support from Men For Women Having Pert Breasts That Belong To Their Husbands. Understandably, he has reported his wife to child protection services. "But if I'd just known about the breastfeeders beforehand, and how they hang around in packs infiltrating child birth classes, I'd have just made sure my wife never attended any."
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We also talked to the several shopkeepers from other outlets at the mall. "It's no surprise to us." said Mr Profit of Mall Securities Inc. "We've been observing an increase in sightings, for some weeks. First they come in on their own, one to one like, and try and sneak past you. Then, just when you think it's safe, they whip them out and sometimes even put a baby on them, to divert the eye. We've tried to stomp down on this specific site, several times, but they are wily. Just last week, 4 of them went into a coffee shop and swapped one baby around between them, so that every time one of my guards felt brave enough to approach them, the exposed hussy would bang the baby on her breast. It's pointless trying to approach them then, they just scream about their baby being hungry and before you know where you are, we're fighting a law suit. Everything is slanted in their direction - there is no bloody common sense left in this country. Hang 'em all, I say. The trick is to isolate them from the pack and deal with one on their own. But after this incident, we're putting traps down."
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Worryingly, Mr Profit does seem to be right in the rising trend on such activities. "It's terrible," said Mr Loss, of Conglomerate MegaWorld Exploitative Foods "Our shareholder's profits are down. Given the global recession, we just can't afford to let any more breastfeeders go free to infect others. People think it's just the individual that's harmed by their antics, but I can tell you, my wife is going to roast my wotzits if I don't get my gold bonus this year. I promised her two weeks in Dubai at Christmas, and if I don't deliver, I'm toast. I've bought a hunting gun and I can tell you, I'll be hanging stuffed breastfeeder in my study quite soon. Thankfully, some of them hang around in packs at the beach, so I'll be heading off there soon."

We approached a Government minister to make a statement about today's terrible attack, but found no one brave enough to do so. "If you think I'm going to admit breastfeeders exist, never mind require legal control, you're mad." said Anonymous Not A Cabinet Member. "What do you want to happen to my career? I'm not going to end up in Brussels designing election posters, like my predecessor? No way. All I'm going to say is this... as far as the Government is concerned, breastfeeders do not exist. Any suggestion that the Prime Minister's wife is one, will be dealt with by anti-terrorist legislation." For those affected by these issues, there is a helpline on 0800 S-t-e-p-f-o-r-d-p-r-o-z-a-c.

In next week's exclusive, we investigate the link between breastfeeders and alien abduction...

41 comments:

Paul Rapoport said...

The most uproarious and splendid writing I've read in a long while, about anything.

Anne said...

I completely agree with Paul -what wit and tremendous humour - I love it love it love it! Thank you so much for sharing your talent!

Mell Fraze said...

I LOVE it! Too funny & yet sad that this really is the viewpoint shared by some close-minded people. I absolutely love the way you tackle breastfeeding with wit while also exposing the real issues with eloquence. I regularly read your posts but this is the first time I've commented & I just want you to know that I am glad you are one of "those women".

Maria Guidos-Albert said...

Love it love it love it!!!!!!! It says SOOOOOO much... and is hilarious to boot.... wonderful writing! :)

Stephanie Muir said...

This is brilliant. It has been a very long time since I've laughed out loud reading something...thank you.

Suck On This?! said...

What they all said and more...and thank you for sharing your great humour :)

Wendy Jolliffe said...

Awesome - thanks for making me laugh tonight - I needed that. It's all just so silly, really.

Anne said...

Hmm I wonder if you could get the Atlantic to publish this? They might as well after they published that other piece of rubbish full of half truths - your piece deserves the same acclaim her received!

sareena99 said...

Thanks for the giggle :)
It has got to the point where I am almost afraid to open a newspaper for fear of seeing yet another outrageous attempt to portray nursing mothers as terrorists.
When will this idiocy stop?

barbara said...

That has really cheered me up, Morgan.
x

Emma said...

So good! Has cheered me up from reading all the recent anti BF news articles recently....

Fab!

Slinging mama said...

Absolutely brilliant!Gave me a much needed chuckle.

Gingerpig said...

Fabulous thank you!

Jenny said...

Fantastic, thank you for that, I really needed it this morning.

Here's my take on it.

http://natalityltd.blogspot.com/2009/05/boob-bashing-bonanza-hits-fleet-street.html

Ann-Marie Dewhurst said...

Excellent!! A fabulous read! xxx

elusivekudos said...

Bravo! That was fantatsic and hilarious at the same time. Im sure its very similar to a lot of stories I have read in the papers recently ;)

Claire said...

That's brilliant! I read that on my mobile whilst feeding the little one.

I was about to tell you that St John doesn't have an "'s" then realised it was St Joan's lol. (I'm rather defensive about that "'s")

the mol said...

Brilliant! Funny as hell! Loved it.

Arabella Greatorex said...

How fantastic - loved it. Hope you don't mind but I have posted a link to it on our blog.

Birth_Lactation said...

This is a very fabulous read and so funny!! I am now a new fan to your blog! Good Job!! I'm in the US and just did a breastfeeding post.

Cate said...

God, I needed this! What a smile before Mother's Day.
I'm going to promote it through my blog with my next post. (Did you hear? We--those who promote BFing--are Nazis!)
Thanks for a wonderful post.

Morgan said...

Isn't that we... who _protect_ breastfeeding... are Gestapo Nazis, Cate?

Protect from relentelss attack.

And all lightness aside, isn't the entire concept just so insulting to those who were actually killed and tortured by both the Gestapo, and the Nazi Party?

Talk about losing perspective... another sign of how these battle lines are drawn up for us, by the affluent and privileged.

We should just Get Some Class and Get Over Ourselves. Uppity women we. ;-)

Heather said...

*snort*

Melissaria said...

FANTASTIC!!

Only thing you missed was how we breastfeeders have special magical powers, enabling us to be tree-hugging hippy earth mothers, AND Nazi Gestapo Milch Polizei, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Thank you - superb piece!

moonmamma said...

brilliant! utterly Brilliant!

and ask your average Joe Blogs on the street (no doubt looking at page 3 of the sun) and he will think it true!

tobiasco said...

Loved it!!

Thank you for giving me a smile.

Mari said...

This is hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs!

Bronwyn said...

This was brilliant!

Cheers from One of Them
(.)(.)

Bebe Cannelle said...

is brilliant, thank you for a great post!
From a fellow breastfeeding (and pregnant) mother.

Clare said...

just wonderful....

from someone who (gasp, horror!) tandem nurses in public x

Clare said...

wonderful...

from (even worse!) someone who tandem feeds in public!

Sanchez said...

The most awesome and powerful writing on breastfeeding in public I have ever seen! Woot woot! Go team Breastfeeders! We just creamed the prudes! Literally! LOL

Kathleen Richardson said...

Insightful, clever, spot on! I am now your devoted follower.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Gosh this was funny. I always wonder at the strangle looks I get while nursing. I can only assume these people have experienced the attacks of which you write or they would not be so afraid of my hungry infant anf milky boobs! I just LOVE this post! Now off to feed my little monster!

Hot Belly Mama said...

I hope you don't mind - I provided a link from my blog for my readers. Beautiful blog!

Morgan said...

I never mind my stuff being sent on. That's what it is for. :-)

Tricia said...

awesome! great writing.....i love the over-exaggeration.....this is my kind of humor!

Anonymous said...

Very funny loved every word!!!!

Helen said...

Hilarious! and brilliant as always Morgan :-)

Juliea said...

I think I love you.....

Anonymous said...

I joke if someone complains about breastfeeding, I'll say, "They're just modified sweat glands" (which breasts are from an evolutionary standpoint).