An urgent health alert has been widely circulated today, by ManHood Health, the world's largest health agency. In a dramatic and quite clumsy fashion, ManHood Health made the following statement:
"It has come to our attention at ManHood Health, that women are gossiping on the internet. Usually, we're fine about this, as the internet can be an excellent source of recipe ideas and general household support. In fact, my wife got a stain out of my ManHood Science White Coat, just last week. However, things took a serious turn, when my wife pointed out that a fellow woman, had posted about not using cow's milk to feed babies, but using human milk. We looked at the site, and discovered it was true. So we just had to act, by making this worldwide statement:
DON'T GO NEAR ICKY FEMALE BODY FLUIDS!!!!!
Not unless the female in question is a cow, anyhows."
ManHood Health went on to explain...
"What all those Pretty Young Things on the 'net don't seem to understand is that women are pretty diseased creatures. They do that bleeding thing once a month, and all that hysterical jazz about you not putting the toilet seat back down. Honestly, you just can't reason with them when their womb is all travelling round their body like. Would you like to drink milk that's been near a womb?"
When it was pointed out that cows have wombs, Dr Testy Rone of ManHood Health, retorted "That's just like a woman - not understanding the deeper issues. Of course cows have wombs, but they are scientific cows, and their milk is processed scientifically. It's all perfect and sterile and not involved in sex games with human males. Well, not usually anyhows. But the point is we at ManHood Health, sanctify cow's milk as safe and free from bugs and dog hairs, and deadly sex diseases that eat your brain and get your insurance refused. You can't say that about women's milk, can you?"
When faced with the mountain of scientific evidence that breast milk sharing can be safe and even HIV can be removed with a simple at home in the kitchen treatment, Dr Testy Rone exploded..
"Will you stop trying to read books! Honestly, do you have a science degree? I can assure you, that no matter what some other WOMAN has told you on THE INTERNET, it's just not true. Please don't feed diseased and flawed human female milk to your babies, unless a man has stated it's been scientifically processed to be as safe as formula."
We did mention to Dr Testy, the report that had been written by a man, earlier this month, about beetle parts and eggs in dried cow's milk being fed to babies, but he put the phone down on us.
So there you are ladies... please follow the advice of ManHood Health, and stop twittering about mother to mother support. You're just not qualified to make these decisions, and cannot be trusted to do any such dangerous thing on your own. Please refer to a ManHood Health specialist near you. Or your husband. Or your father. Or your younger brother, maybe.
Next week, we look at Patriarchy, Hegemony and Toilet Seats... does the toilet seat always have to be down?