Thursday, 5 March 2009

Jacking Off To Breastfeeding

Dear Gr@nny
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Modern life is so difficult. You never know when to open the door, when to give up your seat, what fork to use. Let Dear Gr@nny help you through the minefield of modern life. Hints and tips on modern living and those "Granny never had to deal with this." moments of the techno age! Dear Gr@nny is an agony aunt for a modern age.
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This week, we discuss breastfeeding videos and images on social networking sites. Dear Gr@nny thanks everyone for their correspondence, but cannot answer them all individually. Some questions may be blended from several similar letters (but never for dramatic effect). Dear Gr@nny does recommend drinks be removed from near the keyboard, or your mouth, before reading...
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Question Dear Gr@nny, i haz youtube accounts, and me and me mates luvs to jack off to the breastfeeding vids these ho's publish. i always complain to youtubes afterwards, when as cleaned off the keyboard, and sayz it aint rite that anyonez can see this stuff (ho ho) but no onz ever takes them off which is okayz as is got them on my hard drive anyhowz sometimes we mail the ho's themselves and sayz wes jacked off to the bitches and their sprogs, but they haz no zelf rezpect and dont take em down don't them ho's ever quit their flashing their stuff? teenmeat
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Answer I'm so happy you've found the alternate use for your penis. Do work on getting it into tip top condition, and you dear wife-to-be will be very happy one day in the future. An active sex life is very important for a fulfilling relationship, and such solo jaunts as yours are an excellent grounding for your future role as a pleaser of woman. Or of men! As to the subject you raise, of jacking off to breastfeeding videos. Why teenmeat, we are all mothers! We know that hormones rush into those little bodies of yours, and that needs expressed. We know what 17 year old boys have under the mattress, we ignore it all as we tidy up. It's a sign you're growing up, you know, and we're very proud you are growing normally. As to jacking off to breastfeeding, well in the immortal words of Xander Harris "I'm a seventeen year old boy, I get aroused by linoleum." I imagine you're having a lot of problems controlling your erections when faced with melons, cucumbers and cups of steaming hot tea. Don't worry about this: it's perfectly normal, and somewhat cute. That's why your mama has to leave the room when you pull a cushion over your groin when the weather girl comes on the screen. She doesn't want you know she's noticed. But she's proud, as a mother I can tell you that. Don't worry about being so boorish with breastfeeding images. Hopefully you'll be a happy and proud father yourself one day, and you'll blush at the memory of your youthful indiscretions. And hopefully when a 17 year old makes an obscene comment to your wife, you'll remember you're a father and not beat the living pulp out of him. That's what growing up is all about: self control. I'd take Frankie's advice and relax. There are real sexual encounters awaiting you in the years to come, with other human beings (one would hope) and linoleum will no longer hold sway upon your dreams.
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Question Dear Gr@nny, I'm very pleased you raised this issue, and I'm delighted that others are finally taking this subject seriously. I've complained several times to the authorities, and the FBI, about these foul images, and no one is prepared to listen. Child pornography is a serious issues, and I've been through the free kiddie-porn sites, and breastfeeding videos are everywhere. Especially those toddler ones. I've copied and pasted images everywhere, to alert decent human beings to the problem, and to let them see how the child molesters are making a mockery of our laws. I'm hoping you will start a campaign that we can use to close these obscene breastfeeding sites, with mothers using their own children as dildos. We mothers need to fight the pornographers! decentcitizen
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Answer I'm sure the FBI are delighted to receive breastfeeding images from you. No doubt they will express their pleasure at some later date, after they've finished cross-referencing their records with the download sites you inform them of. I'm sure it's a great help to their record keeping that you keep in such regular touch with them. Now, I do have to inform you that you appear to have a few misconceptions about the human body. A dildo, well at least mine, is not designed to go anywhere near the breast. In fact, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a dildo is an object resembling a penis used for sexual stimulation. And honey, if your hubby is using it on your breasts, you need to talk to him about basic geography, never mind biology. (Although those penis shaped vibrators can be nice there, they ain't dildos, 'tho, as I understand it.) Likewise honey, you ever see a baby or a child being used as a dildo in those kiddie porn sites you are on, do send them straight to the FBI, as that is sure illegal, and plain nasty. I feel sick just typing this, but since you spend so much time in these sites, I guess... well I don't know what I guess, I guess. I do feel you need some support here, in learning your own body, and how it works, and what the different needs of human beings are. The healthy ones especially. Perhaps you could ask around in your local area, for some counselling, or therapy, that might help you understand the issues? I feel sure you will be happier, if you could sort all this muddle out in your own mind. You drop me your address honey, and I'll send you some leaflets on yonis and such. You got a hand mirror at home?
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Question Dear Gr@nny, first of all let me say how much I love your column, It's great to hear the older woman taking charge, and shooting straight. It's also wonderful that human sexuality is now so open and 'out there'. I greatly appreciate the internet video sites that I regularly peruse, in search of some sexual stimulation. As you said last month in your column on the female orgasm, we need to be honest with our sexual needs and desires. I do however, have an issue with these breastfeeding sites. Whilst I do have regular, and quite spectacular, sex, using these breastfeeding videos as part of my sexual play, I find myself perplexed about why these women post them. I know the regular porn sites are paying the women for their time, and that's okay with me, happy to pay my way. But there are huge amounts of sites with women being dirty for free, and again, that's fine by me. 
But I just get to wondering about these mothers and their babies. Where are their husbands? 
And how come they get off on showing their boobs around like this? I know I enjoy them more than all the others, so is it that they're real normal women? I know they are highly sexed, as they have babies and all, but something bothers me, even as I return to them again and again. I don't like those readers wives types at all, usually. They're all pretty plain and ugly those housewife women, normally, and they don't do it for me anywhere near as much as the milk mamas do. Something about that baby sucking on that breast, well it hits me hard every time, if you get my drift. Any insight there, on how these woman 'get to me' more than the others? Is it because I know deep down, they are being naughty? bachelor7689
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Answer Well now, what a pretty pickle to unpack. I'm sure pleased to hear you pay your way, and I'm sure your credit card must be singing. But I worry about you, and that's a fact. No man is an island, and as we grow, we hope to mature, not just in sexual play, but in relationships. As I said last month, the needs of your partner should be important to you. I see you recognise your fiscal obligation to the women involved in the sex industry, and I hope you are equally as responsible with your credit card company, and don't have no bad debts. But to shoot straight, mister, I do feel uneasy about a grown man who needs a baby in a picture, to feel safe with the woman he is ogling at through the kitchen window so to speak. We all talk about emasculation a lot in this society of ours, without ever really thinking about what that means. Especially when we are all presented to so many opportunities to control the images around us, and feel powerful with a remote control in our hands. Switch on, switch off. I'd advise you to think real hard about all this, and maybe actually start talking to real natural women, and just deal with how scary that is. Every journey is but a day at a time, and you will get there in the end. This little electronic phase is just a sticking point, and I'm sure you'll get to the actual relationship part of your sexual identity in due course. Who knows, if you switch off the monitor and get out and about a bit more, you may actually meet someone to discuss your needs with. But you mind me, and you leave your credit card at home, hear? Women will respond to you, if you're just nice and normal and respectful of them. We ain't monsters, just human like you.
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Question Dear Gr@nny, I'm so pleased you brought this topic up. I have a real problem with a friend of mine. We've known each other for years, and she is a lovely woman. I always knew she was an 'active' sort of person, she was always saving the rainforests and such, and when we lost touch after college, I missed her. But we found each other on Facebook some months ago, and she's been round and visited. It's lovely to see her... and her husband is just so nice. She has two small children, and is breastfeeding them. Now I have no problem with babies, but the older one is nearly two. And she is always posting up pics of them. Now I love posting pics of my three babies, even though the youngest is now nearly five - don't time go fast? But I'd never post the pics she does, with her breasts and them feeding and everything. And then they had that fuss about not posting obscene photos a few months back, and well, I have to tell you, I'm afraid to log on some days. My little ones, and my husband, often walk past me when I'm online, and there is all these.. well, all these breasts and milk and babies and children sucking. And I do not know where to put my face. I feel the flush starting way down deep, and working up my neck. 
She came round to dinner just last week, and sat there at the table, with her baby on her breast. I didn't know where to look, and neither did my kids. I burnt my hand on the soup, as she yanked up her shirt, and my husband had to excuse himself and say he needed to go get the bread rolls. 
Now, I've tried to talk to her about this, but she gets all brittle and snappy. When she posts those newspaper articles about nurse-ins and stuff, I sometimes try to hold up my own, you know? Point out there is always another side to the story, and every one should have some respect, but she won't have a bit of it. She never responds, really, just the others on her list. It's a waste of breath, I tell you. It's like a cult. Honestly, it is. I'm just so upset about it. I like her, and she sure is raising those kids well, apart from the breast weirdness. But I just don't know how to tell her she needs to tone it down, so we can all get along right. People need to compromise, to rub along together, don't they? I just need to know how to get her to listen, without it being awkward. I'd appreciate some advice Gr@nny, I do love your column so. concernedfriend
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Answer I often turn to the Good Book at times like this, and if you are of that persuasion, I suggest you have a look at Matthew 12:30. It may give you some insight. Of course, I'm not assuming you are a person of faith, never mind of that faith, so some practical tips. Facebook has a filter for feeds. If she is offending you so much, turn down the feed. You can always choose to go look at her pages when you feel strong enough. If you still feel strongly about her behaviour, you can pull up your Friends status updates. There is a little 'x' on the right hand side. If you hover over the 'x', the word 'remove' will pop up. Click on it, and the offensive breasts will disappear. Only you can decide if your friendship is worth the discomfort you are feeling. Likewise, in real life, when she's a guest in your home, only you can decide if looking away, or removing her, is the best path for you and your family.
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Next week, Dear Gr@nny will be looking at disability in the media: should we ban cripples from kid's tv? Your letters must be in by midnight Tuesday. Dear Gr@nny holds copyright on any letter used.

7 comments:

Ruth Moss said...

Morgan I swear you are a genius. This is hilarious!

Sundancer said...

Brilliant!

Would it be ok for me to link people with such problems to this page? Gr@nny gives advice much better than I could...

Morgan said...

Link away - that's why it's here! :-)

Molly said...

Your blog is phenomenal! I love it! (just found it today)

Toni said...

Where are your RSS feed links??? C'mon, Morgan, add them so I can put your blog with others I want to read regularly! :) Love the post, BTW.

Morgan said...

How do I do an RSS feed?

Toni said...

I see this is on blogspot... go to your dashboard and select layout. On the next screen, select "Add a Gadget." Scroll down until you see "Subscription Links." Put this on your blog and then all your readers can subscribe to it. I'll put it on my iGoogle page. :)