tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post7138130022690918111..comments2023-05-11T21:29:47.449-07:00Comments on One Of Those Women: Bottle Vs Breast, A Mother's StoryAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13479061759803882187noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-85083637197427261422014-10-16T16:15:38.116-07:002014-10-16T16:15:38.116-07:00Thank you for your beautiful story. You are right ...Thank you for your beautiful story. You are right about saying if you "try" and you failed, the system failed you. I tried with my first baby and after returning to work I didn't have the support or knowledge I needed to get through the obstacles I had. I had to stop breastfeeding and it made me so depressed. But this second time I am back at work and still breastfeeding. I have support from work,and à lactation consultant . So I can say à support system makes à huge difference.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-9222309638094579962009-09-20T14:29:22.048-07:002009-09-20T14:29:22.048-07:00How you come to terms with your own situation, is ...How you come to terms with your own situation, is yours and yours alone. Likewise, women who come to terms with accepting the loss they feel, and the differences they have observed, are free to name and own their own stories.<br /><br />The unheard story is often the one of the women mourning, not the one stating "I'm bottle feeding and it makes no difference to me." If that is your experience - it is your experience. It is also the commonly portrayed experience in mainstream media.<br /><br />However, there are other stories. That deserve to be heard. For many women, the lack of breastfeeding is just that - a lack. A lack they are not allowed to name or discuss. I've never seen it suggested that a woman who cannot walk, or one who cannot see, is not allowed to mention that the restriction has made a difference to her life experience. The lack of working legs, the lack of eyesight... those are losses that each person comes to terms with. A full and fulfilled life is possible without either working legs, or eyesight. But no one suggests it doesn't require a bit of work to adjust and move on if they are suddenly taken from you.<br /><br />The lack of breastfeeding is an immense loss for many women and they deserve to be heard, and not be silenced by the concept of "Don't mention the able bodied, the Mums in wheelchairs might get upset." or "Whatever you do don't mention the joy you have in colours, the Mums who are blind might get upset."<br /><br />Mothers are mothers. We all share a common goal to do the best for our babies. That doesn't require that any experience is silenced.<br /><br />There is room for all of us.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13479061759803882187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-71607387633242174292009-09-20T13:56:54.849-07:002009-09-20T13:56:54.849-07:00Sometimes 'choice' does not come into it. ...Sometimes 'choice' does not come into it. My baby was hospitalised after losing too much weight when I was trying to breastfeed. Considering I almost died during childbirth, my recovering body just did not work to produce milk as it was supposed to. Not an excuse, simply a fact. Just as women with no legs are not expected to run and blind women are not expected to see, women who cannot produce milk or breastfeed for any medical reason should not be made to feel as though there is a reason to 'mourn' their inability to do so. I would much rather people accept I am doing the best that I can for my baby and not make me feel as though my baby and I are missing out on something special. I am not belittling those who breastfeed, I never planned to bottle feed and tried my utmost to give my baby what is natural and healthy. I simply don't want to feel guilty anymore as though I hadn't given it my all.Louisenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-58667943220994213672009-03-05T18:46:00.000-08:002009-03-05T18:46:00.000-08:00This was so beautifully written, it brought tears....This was so beautifully written, it brought tears. So very, very heartfelt and true.<BR/><BR/>Anonymous - I am sad for you, and I am sad for the women who come to you and don't meet your amazingly narrow view of what a woman should be. How phenomenally lucky you must be to have never had to do more than seek help in your life, and find exactly what you needed. The vast majority of women are not so lucky, and often do not have the resources, courage, knowledge or strength to continue searching when faced with such an insurmountable mountain of incorrect information and nay-saying friends and family. Most women don't know enough about breastfeeding to know the difference between good information a bad information, good support and bad support. It's up to those of us who DO know to provide gentle guidance and reassurance to mothers, and to give information to the uninformed who may come in contact with her. THAT is how things change.<BR/><BR/>As I write this while nursing my fifth child, I realize just how fortunate I am. Fortunate to have a mostly supportive husband, to have the courage to stand up for what I know is right for my children, and the tenacity to seek more and better information with each successive child. Fortunate that I was raised to be a confident woman, willing to stand up to healthcare providers who give misinformation, and anyone who dares tell me "you can't do THAT here." Fortunate to have an employer who welcomes my babies at the office, and coworkers who don't bat an eye when my door is closed several times a day to pump, or when I nurse a baby in the middle of a meeting (sometimes while leading the meeting!)<BR/><BR/>My apologies for being a little all over the place. Nursing Sera and trying to fend off Levi, who is obsessed with the letter W and keeps shoving my hands off the keyboard so he can press it!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00796361688507973831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-85711627035432864222008-06-18T08:21:00.000-07:002008-06-18T08:21:00.000-07:00As a mother who has experienced both formula feedi...As a mother who has experienced both formula feeding and breast feeding my children, I can already see the difference. I am the youngest of three girls. My mother breast feed us all but only until about three months and in my case about one month. As my older sisters had their babies, they each tried to breast feed, but where unsuccessful, with some real lack of support. Then I would hear the "horrible" stories of what it took to breastfeed and then how "bad" it was to dry up. I knew one other women who breast feed except my aunt who long termed breast feed her son until 5, which people in my family thought "disgusting." So with all the negatives, I decided that I was not going to go through all that emotional and physical pain of breast feeding and I would not even try, I would rather bottle feed. I thought I was great. My husband, could feed the baby and we took turns feeding at night. We would get good amounts of sleep and things were good. I really did not think that the formula was the reason he was so sick with, RSV, Pneumonia, three ear infections, and constant colds, he was in daycare. we also he to switch his formula to soy because he would spit-up so badly, and even with the soy if still spit up. I also never thought that the formula cause him to be colicky for three month, and he would scream for 3 to 4 hours each night between the age of two to four months.<BR/><BR/>Things changed for me when I was pregnant with my second. I was now a stay at home mom, I had moved a good distance from any family member and I had become very involved with my church. Many of the women I met at church were breast feeding moms. Things were just so natural for them. None of the mothers looked down to breast feeding and instead they looked more down towards formula feeding. But they were more knowledgeable about the benefits of breast milk. I thought growing up that breast milk really was only important for the colostrums in the first two weeks. I learned so much from these women. When I gave birth to my second I really wanted to breastfeed. It had become very important to me. I did have problems with latching, jaundice, and weight loss at first. I had to supplement with formula because even though I pump my milk did not come in until day 6 and then it took two days for it to come in fully. The baby still would not latch for the first eight weeks. Then by week nine he was latched and ready to go. I am not going to say that it was easy. It took sometime, some supplementing, and then exclusively pumping but now when he is all snuggled up and eating so contently, I am so proud, I did not give up and I can look at my beautiful baby boy and know he is happy and content. He gives me looks that he gives no other person. I love to see him gain weight and his cubby little legs. He is so healthy. He has not even been sick once and he is almost four months old. I am grateful for all of the help and support I received, the lactation consultants at the hospital, the friends that I have and for the online support groups which have put me in touch with so many people and there is always someone somewhere that has experienced something like any of my latching or sore nipple problems. <BR/><BR/>So the question is do I have a better bond with the second son more than my first, when I look into the depths of my soul the answer is yes. Especially at this age. My younger son would scream and was colicky at this age. He was also in daycare. It seemed to me that it took work to create that bond between us which we know have. With my younger son, it came so naturally and I believe it is because he is closer to me physically then my first. We co-sleep and wake up to each other. me are much more frequently together every two to three hours I am feeding him and do a lot of comfort feeding in between. I am so glad to see him become so calm with me. <BR/><BR/>Well those are my thought from a mom that has done both, hope this helps anyone.Tinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13713773422075946497noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-68826729612166421242008-06-06T07:57:00.000-07:002008-06-06T07:57:00.000-07:00I remember listening to an elderly woman talking t...I remember listening to an elderly woman talking to a newly pregnant woman years ago before I even became pregnant. She was talking about how the midwife had made her feel when she was having difficulties with breastfeeding. She spoke as if it was yesterday, she obviously still felt the pain. It made a big impression on me and I've always remembered her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-19894938946837466442008-06-05T14:12:00.000-07:002008-06-05T14:12:00.000-07:00Dear Anonymous,I just wrote you a long reply, and ...Dear Anonymous,<BR/><BR/>I just wrote you a long reply, and the internet ate it. Suffice to say, I do not feel I can post your very long response, still anonymous, in the blog, as it was very personal. But you deserve a response, so in brief:<BR/><BR/>There is a large middle ground between womn who don't really care, and who give up and walk away, and those who make it through incredible odds as it's fired some engine within themselves.<BR/><BR/>That middle ground contains a huge amount of women who did try, but could not get past the barriers others put in front of them. Who were often defeated by the support system who should have been helping them. Those women were failed. And they need help in acknowledging that, and moving on.<BR/><BR/>Just as Doris did.<BR/><BR/>You were judged on your anonymously posted words. Not on an assumption of your background. Only those with a seriously privalged world view can beleive that self-determination is the only factor in making, or breaking, it, in this world. The fact that you interpret this statement as to be about income, shows what a privalaged view you have.<BR/><BR/>The rest of us live in a world where you can be crushed no matter how strong you are, or how hard you tried.<BR/><BR/>We also live in a world where you cannot see into another women's heart, and know the difference between giving up, and being crushed. Of course loads of women give up because they don't want to put the work in. But to state that it is always down to the woman... *shakes head*. Not the world I live in.<BR/><BR/>Finally, if you felt hurt by what I said - do question why you posted those words in public, in this way. And consider how hurt other women may have been, when in a blog dedicated to telling them that they had to let this go, and move on, an 'expert' comes in and states it was all down to them not being enough.<BR/><BR/>Women are failed by lack of support. And they need to hear that, and heal from the trauma, bitterness and regret of it.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13479061759803882187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-21858591438293350612008-06-03T12:26:00.000-07:002008-06-03T12:26:00.000-07:00One of the most important things we need to teach,...One of the most important things we need to teach, um, women in general, is to WANT to breastfeed.<BR/><BR/>And teaching some people that many women in America return to work two to six weeks after the birth of their babies so that they have somewhere to live and enough to eat might help too.Ailbhehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13766624288427858144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-42532121410992819732008-06-03T08:43:00.000-07:002008-06-03T08:43:00.000-07:00I think that living at one end of the process, and...I think that living at one end of the process, and only seeing those who have already found you to help, can skew your understanding of the fraility of human nature. Everything you say in this piece, could be applied to any discussion on changing human behaviour. Only women who want to lose weight, will lose weight. Only those who want to succeed in education, will succeed. Only those who really want a good job, will get one. If she wanted to leave her abusive husband, she'd walk out the door. It's simple, say "no" and walk away.<BR/><BR/>The problem is far more complex. Humans are far more complex. <BR/><BR/>People don't know they are powerful Very often, they don't understand that they can change, and that they can change the world around them. Fear is a motivating factor in many people's behaviour.<BR/><BR/>Changing behaviour is the single most difficult thing for any human being to do, especially when previous behaviours are entrenched.<BR/><BR/>I'm sad that after 20 years in practice, your view of the world, and of woman, and the world most of us live in, is so reduced and so closed.<BR/><BR/>I'm particularly sad at the thought that you think that help is there for everyone, and all a woman has to do is ask. It must be comforting to think that, but it is not a reality that most of us would recognise. It's a very privalaged view, and one that most of us who've struggled on without a scrap of support would recognise. Especialy as you don't understand breastfeeding is so important until you get there - all you were working on was having a baby safely.<BR/><BR/>We don't have lactation consultants in the hospitals, or peaditricians concerned with breastfeeding. We don't have private practitioners listed in practise in the yellow pages - we don't have that system. And approaching volunteer groups is something you only do if you're good at approaching volunteer groups, and many women are not good at that. And in your system, all of the above only works if you have insurance, which means you have to have money. As I said, it's a very privalaged view.<BR/><BR/>I can see how blaming mothers for not being good enough, for not trying hard enough, for not remaking their entire personality over the second the baby is born, might be comforting for you. I can also see that you deciding that you know exactly what it is every mother should do, and needs to do, is a source of epic frustration when they don't comply.<BR/><BR/>Maybe you should start to understand my perspective if you look at the word "try". When I say if you tried, and it failed, you were failed, I mean if actually tried to do it. I don't mean if you just followed what others told you, and then drifted off. I mean if you actually tried to do it.<BR/><BR/>Your response puts me in mind of how Domestic Abuse refuges used to work. If you came in, bleeding and broken, and didn't leave your husband there and then, but then back to him... then you obviously didn't want to leave. Why should such women get support, when they didn't change their lives? When they got help, but didn't take it?<BR/><BR/>Now, of course, refuges understand my earlier point, that behaviour change takes much more than one moment of change, and that actually, letting women come into the refuges for breaks, planning to enter, planning to leave, planned returns to the abuser, but constant support from everyone that one day it will change, one day it will be right, and one day freedom will be acheived... is the way to go.<BR/><BR/>Your world is so clear cut.. all a women, who is lost in the explosion of a new life put in her arms has to do is... listen to the good people, ignore the bad people... do this.. do that.. do the other. It must be very disappointing to you that so few of us manage to follow this simple advice. I wonder if you realise how bitter many of your words are, about how many women have failed you, by not listening to you.<BR/><BR/>All in all, I prefer my world. Where there is hope around the corner as more and more women find their own voice, and their own bodies, despite incredible hegemonic opposition to both happening. A world where both failure, and success, are collective responsibilites, and where we celebrate those who make it and do not rage upon the fallen.<BR/><BR/>And where we're strong enough to put our names out, and not hide behind 'anonymous' as we berate fellow women for their lack.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13479061759803882187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-49926484501614150692008-06-03T07:16:00.000-07:002008-06-03T07:16:00.000-07:00To Morgan at 11:15.I do understand your anger, yes...To Morgan at 11:15.<BR/><BR/>I do understand your anger, yes, many women have been failed by the lack of a support system, and the lack of proper breastfeeding information. <BR/><BR/>BUT, as a Lactation Consultant, and a Maternal Infant Counselor, I know, after more than 20 years of helping other women to breastfeed, and take care of their children, that in the end, it IS up to her.<BR/><BR/>When a client of mine succeeds, sometimes they say to me "YOU did it!" NO, I didn't. The Mother did it. All I did was give her tools. In order to blame others for an other women's breastfeeding failure, we would also have to give other women CREDIT for other women's breastfeeding success, and neither is right. The mother, herself, is responsible for seeking help, letting go of untrue statements from others, changing priorities, and actually DOING the work, in order to succeed. <BR/><BR/>There IS help. Lots of it. No, it probably isn't the "lactation nurse" in the hospital. Or her pediatrician. (Few of these people know a whit about how to really breastfeed.) But, with private practice lactation consultants, La Leche League and many groups all over the world, the help is there. However, the mothers HAVE TO ASK FOR IT!!!!<BR/><BR/>We can't burst into a woman's house, grab her baby, jam it unto the breast and say, "There. THIS is what you have to do." Can you imagine the anger at THAT? <BR/><BR/>As someone else on this blog said, many who don't "want to" don't seek out the help, or they dismiss the information given, even the best information out of hand with "I can't do THAT." I heard so many "I can't"s and "Yeah, but"s and when I hear these excuses I KNOW this mother will probably not end up breastfeeding, and even though the help is RIGHT THERE, she is often rejecting exactly what she needs to get where she SAYS she wants to be.<BR/><BR/>Now, I don't waste my time, or other mother's time if they have no interest in breastfeeding. Yes, I do advocacy work,I try to educate women, and even teens, but I help moms who come to me and ASK for help.<BR/><BR/>We can't blame the people who discouraged women from breastfeeding,for other women's refusal to listen to those who DO know about breastfeeding, because there are always people around who will ENCOURAGE, and give the right information, if the mother is listening. <BR/><BR/>We can't stop the naysayers. Many people, especially those who didn't breastfeed, have very strong feelings about the issue, and usually very negative feelings. <BR/><BR/>Moms need to AVOID the people who only make the experience seem like a nightmare. Not that we should lie to women, as sometimes sore nipples occur, sometimes women have to WORK on increasing their supply,sometimes one DOES lose sleep, sometimes women need to completely change their PRIORITIES in order to properly Mother. But, to too many women, the changes which need to be made in order to succeed at breast feeding are seen by them as "too much" and we hear, "I can't do THAT." (Whether THAT be spend, yes, the first 6 wks doing little more than LEARNING how to breastfeed, and doing it nearly round the clock, to telling one's boss, "I won't be able to be back at 6 wks post partum, my baby needs me, and I need more time to learn how to care for him." Or, "I have to get away for a day or two every week or I'll lose my mind. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?" When, their baby is 5 days old, and neither of them have learned to breastfeed yet. You can't LEARN to breastfeed, if you aren't there. Period. <BR/><BR/>Priorities have to change, and blaming the work of people who don't want you to breastfeed isn't the main reason breastfeeing fails. It fails because the task of totally devoting oneself to an other, completely helpless human being appears too daunting, the suggestions for increasing milk supply, or dealing with sore nipples appears too "time consuming" the intensity of the relationship, and the "give and give while not getting a lot back" (at least in the first few weeks) seems to be a good reason to just stop, and that bottle just seems like it's the answer to a peaceful day. <BR/><BR/>In the end, every mother is responsible for her child, her breasts, her life, and what she did with all of these. There always will be people who feel threatened by a succesful breastfeeding mother. I have SEEN, been in the room, with a client, whose mother, mother in law, sister, freind or even partner, was visibly threatened by the idea that this woman was actually not only attempting breastfeeding, but was doing the work, by hiring an LC, to make her goal a reality. These women can give in to the pressure of the people who know nothing about babies, and breasts and Optimal Outcomes. Or they can do what is KNOWN to be best for themselves and their babies, tell th naysayer to butt out, and continue to nurse the baby, follow the guidlines for success, and make whatever changes, no matter how "hard" they sound at the beginning, to succeed. Or, they can give in to the people who only care about their own sad outcomes, or bad choices, and both these mothers and their babies will ultimately pay the price. And, in the long run, HOW does that benefit the naysayer in the end? They get to say "I told you you couldn't do it, just like me." ?? THAT is some people's idea of "helping" a new mother? Well, she can listen to that negative person, who will steer her wrong nearly all the time, or she can break the mold, and do what she KNOWS is best for her baby. So, in the end, it IS up to the mother. It always was up to her. <BR/><BR/>*sigh*Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-3495249887396051942008-06-02T15:16:00.000-07:002008-06-02T15:16:00.000-07:00At the end of the day, it's her breasts, and she g...At the end of the day, it's her breasts, and she gets to choose what she does with them.<BR/><BR/>But I always wonder what's going on there, with women who don't hear the message. Or actively resist it.<BR/><BR/>In a culture that speaks so often of how formula is perfectly acceptable, and doesn't speak at all of the risks... you can see how some women just don't think about it. I have several in my family. They never planned to breastfeed. Never occurred to do anything but formula feed. Breastfeeding was alien to them.<BR/><BR/>But a women who has thought about it, and absorbed some of the messages.. and still resists. I think those are probably the most challenging to us. For so few of us set out to be lifelong breastfeeding supporters! We just did what was 'best' for the baby. End Of.<BR/><BR/>And so it's hard to understand why any woman wouldn't try the same path. If our support was as good as it should be, maybe we'd understand this more, and fewer women would slip past in the night. Some women will always refuse, of course. They always have. That's what wet nurses were for. But then... we now have contraception. Why choose to have a baby, then refuse to feed it? Quandries, quandries, quandries...<BR/><BR/>I'm sorry for your pain with Katelyn and her bottle. I know how much you grieved for having to give up the breast. You're a strong and wonderful women, and an amazing mother. Katelyn needs you as her mother, no matter how much it hurts you to give her those bottles. :-)<BR/><BR/>Wish I had a magic wand. *sniff*Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13479061759803882187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-688291830429158315.post-53204179939877999182008-06-02T14:45:00.000-07:002008-06-02T14:45:00.000-07:00I can definitely relate to the comment that seeing...I can definitely relate to the comment that seeing/hearing your baby react to a bottle is distressing, because Katelyn is far more interested in that these days than my breasts :(<BR/><BR/>Regarding women being let down by lack of support, I do think there is an element of some people simply not wanting it. Maybe that's because they didn't learn the realities of breast v. formula before giving birth and lack belief. <BR/><BR/>In my cousin's case, she blocked all my attempts to get her to a support group or even visit her myself when things started to go wrong. No matter how much I told her that yes, it is time-consuming and may well hurt, she didn't want to know. I was one of the horrible people who wanted her to suffer. A few weeks on she acknowledges regret for her decision, but not enough to seek out real, face-to-face help or halt the ongoing switch.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com